White Lies

Can you be a good person with a kind heart and still say “No.” to someone’s request and not tell the truth?

I think I learned to concoct detailed White Lies while listening to my mother and grandmother avoid hurting another person’s feelings. I learned it was not okay to respond to an invitation to play with someone at recess with “No. I really don’t want to play with you” because you are a bully and I don’t like you. Instead, I would lie and say I felt dizzy or my leg hurt. Using health reasons for not doing something was perfected by women I knew. Another often used reason to say NO was to list all the obligations you had to do for others that you didn’t really want to do, but had to. My mother would not have understood emotional self care.

One of the 12 Steps says to always tell the truth except when “to do so would harm them or others.” If you turn down an invitation to join a book club because you don’t like the book, but want to avoid hurting someone’s feelings who is excited about the book, how can you say you don’t want to join?

“Thank you for thinking of me. Sadly, I won’t be able to give that the time it deserves.”

“It’s really hard for me to say ‘no’ to you, but I need more time to focus on my own priorities/deadlines/obligations at the moment.”

You can also offer alternatives. For instance if you don’t enjoy sitting through movies or plays, or weekly meetings, suggest going to the Arboretum or used bookstore instead.

If you say “Let me think about it (or check on a few things) and I will get back to you,” you are only putting off what you will have to say. Saying this, however, gives you time to decide what you want to do.

An article in Psychology Today (Oct 29, 2020 by Dr. Christian Hart) says that real lies benefit you while white lies benefit the person being lied to or the relationship. White Lies avoid conflict, are diplomatic, maintain harmony and are maybe a hallmark of civility.

There are contemporary flippant lies, but they don’t meet the criteria of protecting the other person’s feelings:

• Can’t. Just been diagnosed with NCD-No Can Do.

• I’d rather relax during that time.

• I have other things to do, you know?

• I never liked doing that and I’m not going to change my mind for you.

• Don’t tell me more about it; I am not asking you to “Convince me.”

Nancy Reagan’s “Just say NO,” campaign was not a success. If you do just say NO and someone blows up or overreacts, putting you down, then you learned something.

A special circumstance is lying to protect someone else from the truth. It involves omissions which might be considered White Lies. If you are an excessive worrier, your children may not share everything with you. A more serious dilemma is for families that must decide whether or not to tell a child or a fragile Grandparent that someone dear to them has died? Or that a family member or lifelong friend has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and moved to Hospice? When is this kind of decision protection and when is it deception? When is our not telling bad news really because we don’t know what to say? Do we sometimes avoid letting others see that we are having a hard time ourselves?

Writing prompt:

The request is for you to ride with a friend to go check on and probably bring back home the wife and child of her son who has been arrested. She is addicted to opiates and fentanyl. Your friend’s son, she believes, was the one mostly caring for their toddler. Now the child could be placed in Foster Care. You will be gone all day.

First write the most elaborate, airtight excuse not to go with your friend that you can think up. Try to imply that you would certainly say “Yes” if you could.

Now write a short, definitive response to the request.